“What’s the use of trying?… it’s just going to be another one of my spectacular failures”
I hate it when my mind starts thinking like this, judging the future on the past, seeing life as the destination and not the journey.
So why do I do it to myself?
It’s a bit of a pity party really. Sometimes I get tired right down to my very bones. I start to see all my failures not as lessons to get me to where I want to go but as a map of failures yet to come.
So I stop trying, because I’m tired of fucking lessons, of mountains to climb and so I throw it all away and dive head deep into escapism – heavy drinking, eating shit food, watching too many movies, none of which replenish me and all of which make me feel sorry for myself and fuel the pity party.
What if instead of feeling sorry for myself I just gave myself permission to stop for a while? “You know what Rob?… you’ve been going pretty hard out for a while now, chill out, get your strength back and when you’re ready, get up and carry on…” WOW! Wouldn’t that be awesome self-talk?!
I learned this self-talk many years ago and have used it often but sometimes I forget to slow down in time and to give myself permission and burn myself out instead, slipping into old ways of thinking and acting.
One of my biggest problems is unrealistic expectations. I start something with a time frame in mind on how long it will take to achieve and then get disillusioned when it takes ten times longer. When it’s taking too long the last thing I want to do is slow down and take a breather, “that will make it take even longer!” so I don’t stop and end up exhausted and escaping and completely lacking enthusiasm.
There is a big difference between activities that replenish me and those that drain me. The heavy drinking, smoking, eating shit, porn, angry birds, watching too many movies etc all leave me empty, they take from me.
Playing guitar, singing, going bush, swimming naked in a river, eating good food, making love, reading a good book, all feed me and give me strength. Reminding me, enjoy, life is the journey. These activities aren’t escaping life but embracing it.
Sometimes it helps just to name it “Rob, you’re sulking” it helps me stop thinking like I’m life’s big victim – we all go through our seasons but we always get to choose how we face them and how long we dwell in each one.
I think I’m about ready to stop drinking and go for a naked swim instead.